Hitchhiker's Guide to the Graveyard
*(A Dark Tourist's Handbook for the Morbidly Curious)*
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### 🌑 Chapter 1: Places You Shouldn’t Go (But Will)
- The Suicide Forest (Aokigahara, Japan)
- *Pro Tip:* Bring a roll of tape to mark your path—phones lose signal fast.
- *Local Myth:* Spirits mimic voices to lure you deeper.
- Chernobyl’s Amusement Park (Pripyat, Ukraine)
- *Best Time to Visit:* Dawn, when the rusted Ferris wheel glows in nuclear sunrise.
- *Souvenir Idea:* A Geiger counter (for bragging rights).
- Sedlec Ossuary (Czech Republic)
- *Why Go:* A church decorated with 40,000 human bones.
- *Etiquette:* Don’t pocket a femur—they count.
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### 💀 Chapter 2: How to Sneak Into Restricted Sites
*(Hypothetically, of Course)*
1. Abandoned Asylums
- *Entry:* Look for boarded windows with loose nails.
- *Defense Against Spirits:* Carry salt (for ghosts) and pepper spray (for squatters).
2. Closed Military Bases
- *Tactic:* Wear a hi-vis vest and clipboard—act like you’re inspecting asbestos.
- *Risk Level:* High (MPs don’t appreciate improv tours).
3. Haunted Hospitals
- *Excuse If Caught:* *“I’m an urban explorer… with a heart condition?”*
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### 🔮 Chapter 3: Communing With the Dead (Bad Ideas Edition)
- Ouija Boards in Graveyards
- *Pro Move:* Use a vintage 1920s board (they’re *allegedly* more accurate).
- *Consequence:* You might invite something home.
- Midnight Séances
- *Location Hack:* Host it in a murder Airbnb for “authentic vibes.”
- *Snack Pairing:* Red wine (looks like blood under candlelight).
- Ghost Hunting Apps
- *Best Free App:* *“Spirit Box Chatter”* (or just tune a radio to static).
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### 🚨 Chapter 4: When the Dead Fight Back
Signs You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome:
- Your flashlight dies *only* in one room.
- You hear footsteps… but you’re alone.
- Your EMF detector spikes when you ask, *“Are you angry?”*
Exit Strategy:
1. Apologize aloud.
2. Leave an offering (coins, whiskey).
3. Run.
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### 🎒 Chapter 5: Packing List for the Apocalypse
- Essentials:
- Blacklight (to spot old blood).
- Lockpicks (“for emergencies”).
- Holy water (or vodka in a spray bottle—same effect).
- Advanced Kit:
- IR camera (see ghosts in thermal).
- Faraday bag (stop ghosts from hacking your phone).
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### ⚰️ Final Exam: The Midnight Challenge
1. Visit a graveyard at 3 AM.
2. Find the oldest tombstone.
3. Whisper, *“Tell me your story.”*
4. Don’t scream at the reply.
Pass/Fail: If you wake up in your bed with dirt on your shoes… you passed.
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Epilogue:
*“The dead don’t bite… but the living guarding their secrets do.”*
*(Chaos University is not liable for demonic attachments, arrests, or existential dread.)*
🖤 Order Your Copy Today: *www.graveyardhacks.fake*