Hitchhiker's Guide to the Graveyard

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Hitchhiker's Guide to the Graveyard
*(A Dark Tourist's Handbook for the Morbidly Curious)* 

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### 🌑 Chapter 1: Places You Shouldn’t Go (But Will)
- The Suicide Forest (Aokigahara, Japan)
  - *Pro Tip:* Bring a roll of tape to mark your path—phones lose signal fast. 
  - *Local Myth:* Spirits mimic voices to lure you deeper. 

- Chernobyl’s Amusement Park (Pripyat, Ukraine)
  - *Best Time to Visit:* Dawn, when the rusted Ferris wheel glows in nuclear sunrise. 
  - *Souvenir Idea:* A Geiger counter (for bragging rights). 

- Sedlec Ossuary (Czech Republic)
  - *Why Go:* A church decorated with 40,000 human bones. 
  - *Etiquette:* Don’t pocket a femur—they count. 

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### 💀 Chapter 2: How to Sneak Into Restricted Sites
*(Hypothetically, of Course)* 

1. Abandoned Asylums
- *Entry:* Look for boarded windows with loose nails. 
- *Defense Against Spirits:* Carry salt (for ghosts) and pepper spray (for squatters). 

2. Closed Military Bases
- *Tactic:* Wear a hi-vis vest and clipboard—act like you’re inspecting asbestos. 
- *Risk Level:* High (MPs don’t appreciate improv tours). 

3. Haunted Hospitals
- *Excuse If Caught:* *“I’m an urban explorer… with a heart condition?”* 

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### 🔮 Chapter 3: Communing With the Dead (Bad Ideas Edition)
- Ouija Boards in Graveyards
  - *Pro Move:* Use a vintage 1920s board (they’re *allegedly* more accurate). 
  - *Consequence:* You might invite something home. 

- Midnight Séances
  - *Location Hack:* Host it in a murder Airbnb for “authentic vibes.” 
  - *Snack Pairing:* Red wine (looks like blood under candlelight). 

- Ghost Hunting Apps
  - *Best Free App:* *“Spirit Box Chatter”* (or just tune a radio to static). 

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### 🚨 Chapter 4: When the Dead Fight Back
Signs You’ve Overstayed Your Welcome:
- Your flashlight dies *only* in one room. 
- You hear footsteps… but you’re alone. 
- Your EMF detector spikes when you ask, *“Are you angry?”* 

Exit Strategy:
1. Apologize aloud. 
2. Leave an offering (coins, whiskey). 
3. Run.

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### 🎒 Chapter 5: Packing List for the Apocalypse
- Essentials:
  - Blacklight (to spot old blood). 
  - Lockpicks (“for emergencies”). 
  - Holy water (or vodka in a spray bottle—same effect). 
- Advanced Kit:
  - IR camera (see ghosts in thermal). 
  - Faraday bag (stop ghosts from hacking your phone). 

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### ⚰️ Final Exam: The Midnight Challenge
1. Visit a graveyard at 3 AM. 
2. Find the oldest tombstone. 
3. Whisper, *“Tell me your story.”* 
4. Don’t scream at the reply.

Pass/Fail: If you wake up in your bed with dirt on your shoes… you passed. 

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Epilogue:
*“The dead don’t bite… but the living guarding their secrets do.”* 

*(Chaos University is not liable for demonic attachments, arrests, or existential dread.)* 

🖤 Order Your Copy Today: *www.graveyardhacks.fake*